ADHD Procrastination Meister's workshop!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

All the things wrong with me

I posted previously about my related complaints and how there seems to be always something wrong with me. Hmm, I'm looking at my blog, and can't find any posts like that. Maybe I posted somewhere else.
Anyway make a list:

I have asthma
I have eczema
Allergies
Balance and vertigo problems

Body dysmorphic disorder. I have had this since I was about 13. It's gotten better, I either hate looking into mirrors or stare into them too much trying to figure out exactly what I want to get fixed and berate myself for being so darn horrid looking. (My forehead, my chin, my lips, my eyes, fat sucked from my cheeks etc). I wish I could be comfortable in my body. I see a massive monstrous being every time I look in the mirror. Some people do say I'm pretty but I don't believe them though secretly I hope it's true. Being ugly is not NICE.

Eating disorders. I had low grade anorexia if that's what you call it. Anyway, it was a long period of barely eating and claiming to everyone else that my weight loss was my new diet or was nauseated from my balance problems(which had been recently diagnosed) which affected my stomach and claiming I had already eaten when I was seen not to eat. McDonalds was fantastic, not for the reasons you think. I ate there a lot. Every McD hamburger or fries I eat makes me nauseated. It must be the oil that is used over and over. Ugh. Anyway, I felt so ill that I HAD to throw up, and not digest the food. If I enjoy the food, I won’t throw up. Anorexic/bulimic like I guess. That’s when I started taking lots of supplements because I knew my nutrition wouldn’t be so good. Then since I was going through a major suicidal episode, I was given venlafaxine (Effexor in US, Dobupal in Spain)and I didn't mention to the doc that I was not eating at all and that just shot my appetite, then barely ate cause I had a constant tummy ache and nausea TOGETHER with my nausea from my vertigo and the occasional McD hamburger.
I went skiing, I was soooooo cold cause I was skinny, started eating and haven't been able to stop in spite of the occasional purging to stop it.

Anxiety disorder
Social Anxiety disorder
Hypertension
Oh yeah depression
ADHD

Anyway, it seems a lot of conditions are related (the psychological ones obviously, anxiety etc) but also the physical ones. It seems that Anxiety and Balance problems might be related. Hmm

Monday, June 23, 2008

Reboxetine

Another anti depressant. As long as it's not Venlafaxine/Dobupal/Effexor. EURGH. It stopped my rage, and sadness, but deadened me and it DOES raise blood pressure even AFTER stopping. Which reminds me, I have to get back to the dock to see what my blood results said. Damn, it's been a month and a half and I keep forgetting.

Anyway, moving onto other news. I'm not going back to work!! I gave in my notice a month ago and I'm finally gone!!!! Ah blessed rest, though I'm looking for a job for a couple of days.

I wanted Wellbutrin, bupropion, but in Spain the psychiatrist told me, it's only prescribed to stop smoking. Not as an antidepressant. Hmmm. So no norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitor for me.
I got >reboxetine instead, Irenor. It's a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. Let's see how that works.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Sluggish Cognitiveness and the dangers of Wikipedia

WELL. Anyway, in my numerous wanderings around Internet, I often come across Wikipedia. Sometimes I HATE Wikipedia, not because of what it is, but what it makes me do with all those hyperlinks and links to oh such interesting topics. Last time I spent my time reading about the Simpsons. Religious symbolism, political symbolism etc. The Internet is a lifesaver and the downfall of many an ADHDer. Then I was looking for words in Cornish and wandered around Gaelic, Nubian and spent who knows how much time wandering in the history of the Oriental Orthodox Churches. Gripping stuff. Didn't know there's been Christianity in India since the 5th century.

Back from my wanderings. I was idly reading on ADD predominantly Inattentive and stumbled across Sluggish Cognitive Tempo. Yesterday I used catatonia to describe the opposite of hyperactivity but didn't dare go and look for the word (which would be hypoactive duh!) cause I would probably end up reading about phrenology or something and spend six hours. So I came across SCT! WELL! Describes what I've been describing on this blog for some time. The lack of motivation, and energy to do anything mundane.

Information output-input problem? EXACTLY. It's that frequent feeling I have of "you-are-saying-something-which-I-recognize-as-a-language-I-understand-yet-I-cannot-compute-what-you-are-saying which my brain spews out as"HUH?, Ehm, urgh, gggg" and end up looking like a dolt.

Hmm, a lot of my difficulties are due to information problems, bad memory screw ups ooh, and then toss in a wee bit of impulsivity and you have the makings of a screw-up.

Sluggish Cognitive Tempo (SCT) is a descriptive term which is used to better identify what appears to be a homogeneous group within the ADHD predominantly inattentive (ADHD-I or ADHD-PI) classification in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition. It has been estimated that the SCT population may make up 30-50% of the ADHD-PI population.

In many ways, those who have an SCT profile have the opposite symptoms of those with classic ADHD: Instead of being hyperactive, extroverted, obtrusive, and risk takers, those with SCT are passive, daydreamy, shy, and "HYPO"-active in both a mental and physical way. They also don't have the same risk factors and outcomes. Their demeanor is sluggish, as if "in a fog" and logically they also process information more slowly. A key behavioural characteristic of those with SCT symptoms is that they are more likely to appear to be lacking motivation. They lack energy to deal with mundane tasks and will consequently seek things that are mentally stimulating because of their underaroused state. Those with SCT symptoms show a qualitatively different kind of attention deficit that is more typical of a true information input-output problem, such as memory retrieval and active working memory. Conversely, those with the other two subtypes of ADHD are characteristically excessively energetic and have no difficulty processing information.[1]>

Would you Adam and Eve that?

Saturday, June 14, 2008

My hyperactivity

I've always felt I wasn't hyperactive, though looking back, I was. As a child I ran around all the time, especially as I had male cousins closest to my age. But because boys are supposed to be hyperactive, and I was with boys a lot of the time, it was natural I would be a bit active. So that was good. Although, why it's so bad for a girl to be climbing trees and things, I don't see.

I certainly enjoyed my childhood though there was the occasional yell about what I should and shouldn't be doing as a girl, but because my grades were good, I had no problems. Grades and doing well are very important in my family and trump everything. If you are wicked yet get good grades, well they would say at least he or she gets good grades. Doesn't matter about your character, as long as you have good grades and do well cause people will forgive you everything. Yes, that's my family. So imagine what happened when my grades went down, the criticisms grew.

Anyway, these days I'm either practically catatonic or hyperactive. Rarely hyperactive,mostly catatonic. I think the low grade depression worsens the catatonia. (Okay, I'm not really catatonic obviously but I don't know what other word to use, just the opposite of hyperactive).

Yesterday though, my hyperactivity was more obvious. I picked up things constantly. I had to move my fingers. Intense fiddling and occasional roaming around. I just couldn't stop my hands! I had to sit on them a couple of times. I ripped papers to pieces. People always ask me why I'm so nervous. Yes, nervous people do fiddle a lot but a lot of my fiddling is just due to ADD, not because I'm nervous. Sometimes I'm quite cheerful but my hands just want to do what they want to do. It doesn't help that I'm often anxious.

I lay on my friend's hammock (I went to visit my photographer friend) then just got up, walked around, (though making sure I didn't interrupt the session) but I felt better scrambling all over the place.

At work, I feel more relaxed when I'm just mindlessly wrapping up stuff. It's moving my hands. I cut the paper, stick it with tape, it's not done very well but I feel calmer without the phones ringing all the time and driving me insane.

Sometimes I just get up and go for no reason but that's only if sitting down is driving me crazier than walking cause most of the time, summoning the energy to heave my body out of the chair is just too much and I retreat inside.

I helped my friend's assistant set up the light for her shots. I was the model. I don't like taking pictures cause I'm reminded of how much I don't like my face. But the pictures weren't bad except for the swollen and bloated look I have. I started thinking omigod, how can my boyfriend stand being around me?

I've been working out at the gym and though I've been slowly losing weight, I've been gaining muscle especially in my arms, and looking at the photo with my huge arms (to me), I was so sickened. It's all the carbs I eat. I'm addicted. I can't eat just a serving of rice, I must scoff down at least 4 and potatoes and roots drive me nuts, I will eat till I feel very uncomfortable like I'm going to explode. It's not just a question of reducing servings, it's like I get overtaken and rational thought stops, and I scoff it down. I will also have to be careful of the machines. I'm freaked at not having droopy breasts so do lots of chest which also involves the arms getting a workout.

So I just ate strawberry milk last night! The carb cravings get worse at night so that was a success for me. I used to get up at night and hunt for carbs in the kitchen. Add cheese and I was in heaven. I've never been fat but if it wasn't for the carb issue, I would be so much leaner and not look like I'm perpetually bloated. And I wasn't supposed to eat carbs today and ate some rice but much less than I normally do, and I had to throw it all up. I want to be smaller. Sigh.
How do I stop THE CARB ADDICTION?

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Sebastian Tellier "Divine" won't get out of my head!!

I really liked this Eurovsion song by Sebastian Tellier "Divine". It's so catchy and I can't get it out of my head! So I'll just pass it on... It's so fun, of course it was too good for Eurovision. That's for crap music. That Russian song which won urgh! It's like sugar candy for the brain and sooooo boring. Now this is fun and summery.

Divine

Sleepiness, migraines

It's my time of the month (a bit early) and yesterday I slept and slept the whole day. I did nothing. I fell into bed about 2am, I woke up at 9am, then fell asleep, then 10, puttered about a bit, ate something felt tired and went back to sleep. Got up at 12, read a bit, ate something, realized I had a massive headache then fell asleep, tried to wake up at 3 and fell asleep again. I didn't really wake up till about 8pm!!!! The whole day just sleeping. And with the pounding headache in the background. Then I dragged myself out about 9am, went to cook dinner, took 2 paracetamols (ibuprofen) to dull the headache a bit, watched some tv, slept on the sofa and went back to bed about 2 am.

It must have been my migrainous attack. I get vertigo attacks with migraines sometimes. And I do notice I get really tired when I'm about to get a vertigo attack. I've had sudden tinnitus the last couple of days ( ears will start buzzing painfully all of a sudden). I think it's to do with allergies, the weather has been sunnier lately, not so rainy, and I've been sneezing, snuffling and constantly mucosy in my chest. I've even noticed I was wheezing though I didn't get the chest tightness and shortness of breath I normally get. Didn't touch my inhaler though.

One doc said my vertigo attacks was Meniere's disease. I got a vertigo attack, nausea and severe migraine all at the same time. It was horrible. If I lied down, my body would feel like it was either turning around or everything was spinning and I feel horribly nauseated. If I stood up, the migraine would be really horrible so I would be in a diagonal position not fully lying down, or sitting down, and crying. And feel really tired after it was over. I had to get injections to make the vertigo go away.

I went to another doc and he said it wasn't Meniere but an unspecified imbalance of my ears. Since then my balance has been poor, I have a low level unstability. If I stand with my feet together, I stagger. I sway and sometimes look like I'm drunk.He said it was related to my asthma, when I got attacks, the fluid would go into my ears and destabilize me.

It has gotten much much better, I haven't really had asthma attacks for the longest time and haven't had any bad vertigo problems. One recommendation for Meniere is to avoid salt, which is also a recommendation for HBP. I've always been a salt freak so it was difficult to cut it out, but slowly I'm cutting it out.

I don't know if I have Meniere, but I won't be surprised if I'm diagnosed with it in a couple of years. I did have a bit of hearing loss which seems to have slowed.

Anyway, what does this have to do with ADHD? I have no clue, but it seems I keep getting new diseases and there's always something wrong with me. This condition I have seems to be connected with my asthma, and allergies, something many ADHDers have.
I'm tired all the time, and I'm tired of being tired.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

University, work and moving: so many changes! Dealing with change and ADHD

It's been kinda exciting, well, more stressful. We are in the process of moving at work, actually we already have and we are starting at the new place on June. I couldn't really care less, as I've informed them that I'm going to leave at the end of the month. I wanted to leave earlier as I'm so sick of it but at least I get the 'pago extra' and my salary for the month at the end of June. My boss asked me to stay on for a month, I only have to give in 15 days notice, and I did want to leave on a good note and I'm easily persuaded so I'm staying on till the end of the month.

* Pago extra in Spain. Many places pay your salary in 14 payments instead of 12 payments for each month. These 2 extra payments are handed out in summer and at Christmas. So in June and December, you get 2 extra monthly salaries. I don't know which is better, to get more money 12 times a year, or get less money and have 2 extra salaries. (It's not really extra, it's your salary). It does feel nice to get that extra boost but then maybe I wouldn't be struggling so at the end of each month.

So I'll be headed for Bristol. This is the original Bristol in the UK, not the one in Connecticut, US.
I was shit scared for half of May, and strongly debated whether I should do this (go to university to study architecture). I was this close to packing it in and constantly berated myself for doing this. I was even under a depression as I was convinced I'm going to fail AGAIN. I didn't like it! I was worried about my gym, as I've finally worked up a routine and even met people there, I was now going to leave. Silly, I know. Maybe I shouldn't do this. I've been racked by self doubt. ADHD people find it hard to deal with change even when it's positive! I've been wanting to go back but faced with the actual change, I was horrified.

But it seems I've gotten used to the idea, and I'm looking forward to it and want to be there NOW! It seems to have gone so fast. I've got my EU student tuition loan I wasn't worried I wouldn't get it, but it's comforting to finally have it.

I found an apartment for the 1st of July but it fell through as the people who were leaving decided not to leave. I'm annoyed so now I'll have to find another place to stay. I want to work in Bristol the whole summer before classes start. I felt it would be better to start in Bristol rather than going to London where I know people and then go on to Bristol. So now to find a job in the UK. I think I should be alright, I've worked admin jobs before, I speak Spanish and English though these days my French is pitiful but I can get by. Crossed fingers!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

University and doing what I'm best at: procrastinate or do I have multiple personalities?

So I've been accepted at uni, I'm very worried about my studying and procrastination. It's not going to be easy.

For example, I'm doing an online photoshop course, and tomorrow, the 12th of May is the last day of the course. Have I finished all the exercises I had to do? No. Of course not. I just finished the 4th and I've another to go.

Maybe cause it's in Spanish, but I stare at what it says and it's gibberish. It takes an extra effort to understand what's going on. This happens to me often (not just in Spanish) about the gibberish issue. I can't seem to get it, I listen, read, and nothing, so then I get distracted, wander off, and leave the assignment till the last minute. Hmm, maybe I'm on something important here.
It's like I get a headache trying to understand it. I can understand the individual words but it's not making sense. But I'm not stupid. I can't process it.

It happened to me in programming class, long time ago in uni. I left an assignment till the night before (surprise, surprise) and I had to hand it in in the morning. It was 3am, I looked at what I do, thought duh, and wrote out the program by hand then went back to sleep. EASY! In the morning, I looked at what I wrote out, and I had no clue how it would work like someone showed you the inner workings of a rocket ship. Complicated stuff, you'll have no clue what all the symbols meant. but I thought to myself I seemed to know what I was about at 3am and I really have no choice, well, it worked on the first try. Why???? I had looked at the assignment a couple of days before, didn't know what to do and put it away. Maybe my unconscious worked away at it, but why didn't I understand what I had done? Why did I have only that margin of understanding at 3am? I didn't understand it before, and I didn't understand it after. What can I do to get that 3am understanding? It's like I was 2 different people. WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD? HELP.
Well, I'll have lots of opportunity in uni come September, oh please, please let me not flunk out again.

Anyway, I have to go and do my last photoshop assignment. Urgh!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Lack of awarenes of my body and impulsive purchases

I took some paracetamol this morning and last night before I went to the gym. I used to suffer through body aches but this back strain is just painful. It's getting worse since Sunday. Last night, I kept waking up in pain. Putting a pillow behind my back helped but I’ll move and wake up. I hadn’t even noticed I was straining my back. That’s what sometimes happens with ADD, you forget about your body. I get bruises and cuts and don't even know how I got them. I have better memory about the cuts but not the random bruises. I've gotten used to pain, so I forget about it, then I get more cuts, then forget about them and get even more used to pain. I often forget to go to the bathroom in a timely fashion. NO! I don't pee on myself but it means I have to bolt out of my seat an hour later after my body has signaled me to go to the bathroom.

I got accepted into university in the UK. I was reluctant to write about it here, and to tell most people. The first flush of joy has worn off, and I’m sh** terrified. Money! Money! I can get a EU grant but I worry how I’m to live. And I was looking through my bank account and freaked out this morning. What the hell do I buy??? I don’t what s** I’m spending my money on. They all seem necessary.
My cream from La Roche for my eczema dry skin, 20€
The supplements I take, which I fully believe have improved my asthma, and helping my high blood pressure. another 20 euros. Maybe I can cut down on some.
My gym membership, maybe I should start running, but my knees will not thank me. 45€

My transport pass which costs 62euros,
my credit card payments (aargh, I have two!!!!! I’ve stopped using one thankfully as I still don’t have the card from when my wallet was stolen in January).
When I can, then pay off my therapist. She doesn't bother me too much about payments thank goodness.

I will have to stop buying clothes whenever it’s time to visit my boyfriend in whichever country he’s at the moment. He already helps me out with the plane tickets and buys food and things when we are together. But going to see Bruce Springsteen and going to an English posh wedding, I felt I had to whip out the card.

Money, money, money, money. It's all the stupid crap I buy. Of course I'm badly paid too. An extra 200 would be so helpful.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Wow! Dangers of hyperfocus

Well, my four day weekend turned out well, though I didn't set foot in the gym like I had hoped. My regular gym was closed, and if I paid 4 euros extra for the month, I could go to their other gym on Sundays and holidays. But I didn't go. I had the suspicion I wouldn't but there are other sundays and there's another holiday. It's still a good deal.

With regular, controlled use of green jasmine tea, I moved all my shelves, bed, chest of drawers, vacuumed, wiped, in 3 days. The furniture was heavy, and involved removing books, dismantling shelves and drawers etc. Then I had to move my TV, stereo, climb on chairs, lift and move things high up on the shelves. At this point, I might give up and leave the stereo and TV, and other assorted things on the floor for the next two months. Low frustration threshold, especially the climbing up and down. I get dizzy, my body gets heavy, I get mentally exhausted and give up. Mental exhaustion might not seem like much but it's quite exhausting! :-P

What I did was move things little by little, rest a bit, and instead of resting for the rest of the day, I continued. I did this ALONE.

I'm very pleased with myself. My room looks very homy and cozy, there's still a bit of mess but it looks nice and could, could be on a magazine with a few modifications, like cover the floor and a bit of painting but it's looking good. It took me years ,but I got it, and I'm going to be leaving home soon. Oh well. There were things I failed to do like study for my online photoshop course and do the exercises. But something I DID, instead of giving up.

The only problem is that I strained my back muscles and my mid-back is sore. It's not terrible but hurts when I stretch and move around. See, dangers of hyperfocus. You ignore your body but it will remind you of its existence. I also didn't eat too much and feel fine.
I'm keeping up the tea. I will experiment with Pu-erh tea as well.

Now to order theanine!

Friday, May 2, 2008

Jasmine tea, theanine, and ADHD

(see the post below on my experiences with jasmine tea)

I did some investigating and discovered that theanine is one of the components of tea, especially green tea. It calms apparently and further investigation seems to indicate that it works in the brain and increases serotonin and dopamine, and GABA. That would make sense.
I was quite sure it wasn't the caffeine that drove me.

Properties of Theanine on Wikipedia

Theanine is speculated to produce these effects by increasing the level of gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) production. Theanine increases brain serotonin, dopamine, GABA levels and has micromolar affinities for AMPA, Kainate and NMDA receptors.[6] It has also been found that injecting spontaneously hypertensive mice with theanine significantly lowered levels of 5-hydroxyindoles in the brain.[7] Researchers also speculate that it may inhibit glutamic acid excitotoxicity.[6] Theanine also promotes alpha wave production in the brain.[2]Theanine is speculated to produce these effects by increasing the level of gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) production. Theanine increases brain serotonin, dopamine, GABA levels and has micromolar affinities for AMPA, Kainate and NMDA receptors.[6] It has also been found that injecting spontaneously hypertensive mice with theanine significantly lowered levels of 5-hydroxyindoles in the brain.[7] Researchers also speculate that it may inhibit glutamic acid excitotoxicity.[6] Theanine also promotes alpha wave production in the brain.[2]

WELL! I'll be on the hunt for theanine.

Jasmine tea and ADHD - my experience

I don't know why but jasmine tea often makes me concentrate a bit better. I drank two cups today and managed to fold all my clothes piled up on my chair, organize papers strewn across the floor, not all of them but I didn't do my usual bit of dumping everything to be organized, get overwhelmed and walk away. I did it sensibly! I just filed my bank bills, and cellphone bills, and those are done! I still didn't do everything I had to, but instead of the 20% I will normally do, it was more like 60%.

I started noticing the effect a couple of weeks ago, and I was curious, and yes I do notice I'm more concentrated and not as scattered. It's not miraculous but it helps! I'm doing some investigation on the internet to see if I can find something on this.

I will do further experiments to see if it's all kinds of jasmine tea or whether it's the particular brand I'm drinking and whether the effect will wear off as my body gets used to it. I don't notice the same effect from drinking red tea (Pu-erh) for example or black tea. Though black tea I generally drink with milk so if there was an effect, the milk might dilute that.

The natural culprit for this effect would be the caffeine, but caffeine normally doesn't do much for me, I'm not sensitive to it, if I drink a LOT, I will notice my heart rate is up and I'm jittery but it doesn't help my concentration so I don't bother drinking coffee, coke etc and I don't like these drinks. Not fond of Red Bull, don't like chocolate, etc. The only product with caffeine I will drink is tea.

Another effect I've noticed is that it dulls my appetite. I don't know if this is because it's affecting my appetite directly or whether it has some effect on my anxiety cause I'm an anxious eater, if I get bored, slightly stressed, etc, I will eat. What I will say is not so much I forget about food but that it doesn't seem so urgent to put something in my mouth NOW!

I do know that many people with ADHD self-medicate with food

Self medicating with food
Eating puts them into a pleasant, trance-like state that is a respite from their often active and chaotic ADD brain.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

WEIGHING THE FACTS: ADD/ADHD and Eating Disorders

WEIGHING THE FACTS: ADD/ADHD and Eating Disorders

I'm trying to handle my weight. I've been throwing up, I hate throwing up, I prefer to restrict (bad, bad I know! But I'm getting desperate) and I just can't seem to stop snacking. AAARGh. I can't wear 75% of all my trousers (bottom heavy person) aaargh.

ADHD, dancing and movements

Anyway, I continue going to the gym. Yesterday I had a Cardiobox class. I'm pleased, I ALMOST didn't go, I was going to curl up in bed with my book but I thought think of the money you've paid, got up and went! YIPPPEEEE!

It was fun but hard for me. One, it was my first class, naturally hard for anyone (I had to keep telling myself that, so I didn't beat myself for not being perfect the first time I try something. Oy!) and two, I never did well with choreographed moves, dancing etc. Ironically, I AM a good dancer. I am :-) but start with 2 moves to the right, then turn around, do a shimmy there, and choreograph things, and I fall over myself.

I was fine with martial arts cause the katas (routines,) are almost always in an H shape so can't go wrong there, I know where to move but give me choreographed routines and my limbs are everywhere, my right turns to my left, my ankles get tangled and it's scary. It's related to my clumsiness. Put me on a table with a white tablecloth, and sauce, and I'm almost guaranteed to knock it over. Things fall out of my grasp. But leave me with some funky music, and I bop and move to my heart's content.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Saturday spice cake and lesser intelligence

I'm beginning to realize that there's a conception that ADHD equals lesser intelligence. I never thought that, cause I've been reading up about ADD for a long time, but after some conversations I've had on blogs, and even one conversation with one psychiatrist, some people seem to believe it means of lesser intelligence.
The psychiatrist in question said, he didn't believe it as I had translated an article from English to Spanish which showed I was smart. Eh? I still see this psychiatrist since I have no other option, and he's backtracked on some stuff he said when we first met, though he claimed he didn't say that. And he asked me why I wanted stimulant drugs, like I was some kind of drug addict. Anyway.

I made a spice cake today, parents were away (yes I live at home though I'm 25+, for those Americans, it's a very tight housing market in Spain, and wages haven't risen to match it and since I was not looking forward to paying 45 years in blood to get a shitty house, I'm still living at home, like I have any option, with my low paying job. I could go and live on the street though. I could also pay 60% in my wages to rent an apartment, which doesn't take into account transport another 5%, and water, and gas another 20%, and if I went without eating, I could manage but oh lordy lordy, I'm moving soon. I will have to move to another country. )

so took the opportunity with peace and quiet, no screams of why are you cooking, and more screams of how dare I cook instead of eating prepared food with high sodium content which will make my blood pressure rise and make my eczema break out. I made my famous carrot spice cake. It used to be a carrot cake which morphed into a spice cake with the addition of spices, and sometimes it's an apple spice cake. It's a quite flexible recipe. I omit the frosting and if they say 2 cups of sugar, I add less about 1 1/2 cups. American recipes always have too much sugar.

Ah, my last blood pressure reading was 170/90. I don't understand why, I have been okay for a while, I'm doing exercise, I'm not sleeping terribly. Maybe I'm not eating enough vegetables and I've been a bit slack on the supplements. Maybe it was all the birth control pills I took previously. I was going to see my boyfriend, and I was having my period, and I wanted it to stop it which didn't work. Previously, it stopped when I took extra pills, but I think because I haven't been taking it in the proper cycle, it didn't work. And then the condom broke so I had to take extra pills as an emergency contraception and I know birth control pills raise the blood pressure.

I like cooking, you follow the recipe, set the oven, don't let it be too hot or too cool, check it from time to time, and you come out with something tasty. It's simple and those people who claim they can't cook, they are making excuses, if you do it properly, you too can make good food. The cake won't scream at you, why did you put too much spice, you can balance it out with cinnamon, and it always turns out delicious. Cooking is one of the few things I can do well. I even made an apple pie once and it turned out nice, all I have to do is perfect it.
I think I will go for a bowl of cake and berry yoghurt ice cream.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Hierarchy of Ideas in the ADD mind

This is one of the best explanations I've seen for how the ADD brain works. I'll certainly use this explanation. It's so annoying when it happens to me at work. I'll be doing something, then someone comes with a request and I do that and forget about what I was doing before, then I get into shit. AAAARGH! It's LIFO. Last In, First Out. I'm proud of myself, something did stick in my accounting class long ago:-)

http://www.adhdmarriage.com/node/84

"One of the biggest differences between people with ADD and those without is that the non-ADD brain creates a hierarchy of ideas all the time. Things come into your brain and they get put into an order without your even knowing it. What the person in front of you is saying is more important than the bird chirping in the next tree or the squirrel running across the path nearby, for example. We don’t think about this as it happens – it just does. But next time you are in a conversation with someone, or reading a book, or doing just about anything, stop and think about all of the stimulus around you that your brain is very kindly blocking out for you so that you can stay focused on the task at hand.
The ADD brain doesn’t do this very naturally. I can find myself annoyed when I am in the middle of saying something to my daughter and she suddenly starts playing with the ends of her hair…or picks up a magazine to look at the pictures…or (fill in the blank). It’s not that she doesn’t want to hear what I say (I hope!) but rather that something else just caught her attention. I know enough about ADD that I am able to bring her back to the conversation with a simple (nicely stated, not mean!) “Can you look at me for a few minutes more and leave your hair?” She knows I’m not mad when I say this, just trying to finish my thought, and so she drops the hair and refocuses on me. (If she thought I were mad, her response would be very different - probably defiant - which is why how distractibility is handled by the non-ADD partner is so critical to good communication.)"

Sunday, April 13, 2008

In bed the whole day with Chuzzles

Except for the occasional foray into the bathroom, and I did some laundry, and I ate brunch, the remains of the "curry" and rice I made last night. I had a can of Indonesian chicken soup, added some coconut curry, chopped some zucchini and ate with rice. It was alright, something filling. Hmm, if I don't think about it, I don't get really hungry. I'm sort of tiptoeing in my head so as not to wake up the beast. I think I will eat some fruit later for the nutrients. I really have to be careful I'm not just eating chips, and biscuits, and take my fish oil. Gah, they get stuck in my throat. I do very well for a couple of weeks, then I keep forgetting.
I've recently discovered a games site called King and I've been playing Chuzzles, they are furry cute round balls you have to line up and explode and they squeak and go yoo hoo when you explode them. So that's what I did the whole day. I haven't stepped outside, and can't work up the energy.

Anyhow, it seems playing games is the only way I can get my mind awake, I feel so apathetic and distracted the rest of the time, and I at least wake up with the fuzzy colored balls, and the other games. It's worrying me to spend so much time with the games. And I don't feel so restless either when playing the games. I had to do stuff the whole day.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I avoided paying!

2 posts in one day! Anyway, yesterday I went to a sushi restaurant near my workplace. I leave at 3 pm on Fridays, the rest of the week, I leave at the Spanish working hour of 7pm. Insane to leave at 7pm. But on Fridays, we don't have 2 hour lunch breaks and leave at 3. There's always traffic and the bus takes ages to come, so I decided I might as well go and have something to eat. There's generally a set lunch menu at most Spanish restaurants which includes drink, first plate, second plate and dessert.
This sushi bar's lunch menu costs 9,90 euros, and since I have restaurant vouchers from work, with two vouchers, I would only pay about 60 cents for the whole meal so off I went. I arrived at 3:40pm and the lunch menu finishes at 3:30. I've arrived a little late before, even later and I still got the lunch menu. The guy said, sorry, lunch closes at 3:30 pm, expecting me to order something off the menu and pay separately for each item. I said I can't get a lunch menu? looking entreatingly with my fat face which of course didn't work. He said no. Most of the time, so as not draw attention to myself, I will get something off the menu and pay while hurting on the inside.
I thought screw this shit, and said bye! I'm very proud of myself. It wasn't because I was being strong, but I'm really really broke, and can't go around wasting money but I'm still proud! NO california roll for me. But I bought a bag of chips and devoured most of it on the bus, not so good. :-(

Crickets, brain infections and suicide

There's a reason why I'm the procrastination meister. A month between posts? I thought about posting, had long posts in my head and never got them down. Aaaargh.

Anyway, I'm feeling mildy suicidal. Might seem a weird way to put it. Most of the time I have a constant background whispers of "Do it. Do it". It being the suicide. It's constantly there. A lot of the time it's just whispers. Sometimes I don't pay attention to them, other times, they are very loud whispers, and the very very bad times, they are screams in my head drowning out everything else.
Perhaps you could describe it as a constant white noise, and I have to put up the volume of everything else to drown them out. So hence mildly suicidal. I only had to turn up the volume a little. The whispers aren't very loud but they are there.
"Do it. You know no one really cares. Why bother hanging around? Do it".

I wish they would go away for good. What medication does for me is to hush them up but it hushes everything else up making me zombie like. Effexor was good when the whispers turned into screams, but it shut down everything else. UGH TRIPLE UGH! I really don't want to go back but I was so frikking thin, in some brief moments of insanity, I toy with taking them again.

I'm getting fat and puffy. Mostly puffy looking, especially my face. I don't know why. It's really stressing me out, making me eat more. HA! So I'm going through a cycle of not eating and then binging, starving and binging. Bad I know but I can't stop the binging. So I go through not eating to help control them. I don't know why I'm so hungry. Yes, you'll probably say the starving. But the hunger came before my not eating, which is what triggered my not eating to try to control it. So pah!

I did come to the realization the other day that I kinda like being a bit fat. Everyone really ignores you and you become invisible which is good. People in stores are surly towards me, no one wants to help me which is not good. They just want me to stop being a bother. They look away when they see me, which doesn't help my sense of alienation. Is it so hard for people to be kind? I hate humans most of the time. All your petty backstabbing bitches. You, yes you, you probably think you are a nice person. Are you really? Argh, I hate work. I hate working with women. Why are they so fucking horrible?

On the plus side, I don't get the Spanish men offering to show me their penises for a sum of money. Fucking bastards. Even the old men who like rounder women don't say anything to me. I know I don't make an attractive fat person, and I don't get harrassed thank goodness. It's part of the reason deep down, I really don't want to make an effort in dressing up so as to avoid horrid men.

On the plus side, nasty Spanish men don't harrass me.
On the minus side, you get ignored, and get treated as human icky stuff.
It's frustrating.

Oh crickets, why crickets? Well, crickets get infected by brain parasites which make them commit suicide. I wonder if there isn't something similar happening with humans. Cause suicide really makes no sense. I can't help it. I keep hearing the brain whispers, it's like you are possesed or something. It makes no sense, I know but it's there. They did discover that ulcers were due to infections and some cancers were infections. I wouldn't be surprised to hear depression and other kinds of mental diseases are infections too.

Sigh. Don't worry, I won't listen to my voices in my head :-D.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

People suck and are strange

Anyway, since I have to write something in the blog or else I’ll forget about for another month, short or not.
I’ve been feeling quite down lately, and all I can say is people suck. I hate work, and yes, yes, many people hate their job and their workmates, it’s not just me. Didn’t say it was, but I hate people. My next job preferably wouldn’t involve talking to humans. Okay, I guess I can’t deprive myself of human contact, seeing as we are social animals yada yada but as little as possible. All of them contributing to the miasma of general unpleasantness over the world. Were you unnecessarily nasty to someone today? Thank you for your evil contribution and shame on you.

I was watching Captain Planet on Youtube the other day! Captain Planet. Loved it (the newer ones sucked), that was some good stuff and my sister and I had a philosophical discussion of Gaia’s shape and imagining what her real form was. Probably a cockroach seeing as there are so many around and a giant cockroach as goddess. What power would I have? Earth sounds cool, Fire is also cool, Water, Air, hmm but that heart.

Poor Ma-Ti gets kicked out.