iI've been feeling so low about myself. I'm studying an Architecture degree, and working part time too. Work and Architecture don´t really mix especially for someone who´s time management disordered as myself.
I have dyspraxia/dysgraphia and ADHD and my planning and time management are really bad. I think they feed off each other.
The dyspraxia also means that I´ve problems with drawing and I'm studying an architecture course involving lots of drawing. And cutting. And making models. ha ha. Ha. I didn´t enter the course under false pretences, they said they would teach me to draw. Which mostly consists of exercises geared towards people who can draw already but want to improve and saying practice but they don´t really help me. I´m repeating the Studio course and have already failed my first project.
I can barely find any information on the net about adults and dyspraxia. I CANNOT find anything about dyspraxia and learning to draw. So I´m sort of teaching myself. There´s help for people with dyslexia or even dyscalculia but what about dyspraxia?
I feel so out of control and I´m getting really stressed.
My depression had eased though I did have a suicide attempt in the summer. I blame the stress and the medication I was on. My Body dysmorphia had eased and I could stare at myself and think I was actually kind of cute.
Now I don´t know. I´ve started avoiding mirrors again and telling myself I´m a disgusting monster.
The one time I felt really under control was when I restricted my food, exercised like mad, started lying to people that I had already eaten and my weight fell to almost 50 kgs. I´m normally 58-60 and I rarely fluctuate. I felt really good back then. I barely ate and and for once I felt totally in control. I had a very rigid schedule.
The worse I feel, then I punish myself by not eating. I have the bare minimum in my fridge not to arouse suspicion with my housemates. I´m starting to feel antsy about running to the bathroom to purge.
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
All the things wrong with me
I posted previously about my related complaints and how there seems to be always something wrong with me. Hmm, I'm looking at my blog, and can't find any posts like that. Maybe I posted somewhere else.
Anyway make a list:
I have asthma
I have eczema
Allergies
Balance and vertigo problems
Body dysmorphic disorder. I have had this since I was about 13. It's gotten better, I either hate looking into mirrors or stare into them too much trying to figure out exactly what I want to get fixed and berate myself for being so darn horrid looking. (My forehead, my chin, my lips, my eyes, fat sucked from my cheeks etc). I wish I could be comfortable in my body. I see a massive monstrous being every time I look in the mirror. Some people do say I'm pretty but I don't believe them though secretly I hope it's true. Being ugly is not NICE.
Eating disorders. I had low grade anorexia if that's what you call it. Anyway, it was a long period of barely eating and claiming to everyone else that my weight loss was my new diet or was nauseated from my balance problems(which had been recently diagnosed) which affected my stomach and claiming I had already eaten when I was seen not to eat. McDonalds was fantastic, not for the reasons you think. I ate there a lot. Every McD hamburger or fries I eat makes me nauseated. It must be the oil that is used over and over. Ugh. Anyway, I felt so ill that I HAD to throw up, and not digest the food. If I enjoy the food, I won’t throw up. Anorexic/bulimic like I guess. That’s when I started taking lots of supplements because I knew my nutrition wouldn’t be so good. Then since I was going through a major suicidal episode, I was given venlafaxine (Effexor in US, Dobupal in Spain)and I didn't mention to the doc that I was not eating at all and that just shot my appetite, then barely ate cause I had a constant tummy ache and nausea TOGETHER with my nausea from my vertigo and the occasional McD hamburger.
I went skiing, I was soooooo cold cause I was skinny, started eating and haven't been able to stop in spite of the occasional purging to stop it.
Anxiety disorder
Social Anxiety disorder
Hypertension
Oh yeah depression
ADHD
Anyway, it seems a lot of conditions are related (the psychological ones obviously, anxiety etc) but also the physical ones. It seems that Anxiety and Balance problems might be related. Hmm
Saturday, June 14, 2008
My hyperactivity
I've always felt I wasn't hyperactive, though looking back, I was. As a child I ran around all the time, especially as I had male cousins closest to my age. But because boys are supposed to be hyperactive, and I was with boys a lot of the time, it was natural I would be a bit active. So that was good. Although, why it's so bad for a girl to be climbing trees and things, I don't see.
I certainly enjoyed my childhood though there was the occasional yell about what I should and shouldn't be doing as a girl, but because my grades were good, I had no problems. Grades and doing well are very important in my family and trump everything. If you are wicked yet get good grades, well they would say at least he or she gets good grades. Doesn't matter about your character, as long as you have good grades and do well cause people will forgive you everything. Yes, that's my family. So imagine what happened when my grades went down, the criticisms grew.
Anyway, these days I'm either practically catatonic or hyperactive. Rarely hyperactive,mostly catatonic. I think the low grade depression worsens the catatonia. (Okay, I'm not really catatonic obviously but I don't know what other word to use, just the opposite of hyperactive).
Yesterday though, my hyperactivity was more obvious. I picked up things constantly. I had to move my fingers. Intense fiddling and occasional roaming around. I just couldn't stop my hands! I had to sit on them a couple of times. I ripped papers to pieces. People always ask me why I'm so nervous. Yes, nervous people do fiddle a lot but a lot of my fiddling is just due to ADD, not because I'm nervous. Sometimes I'm quite cheerful but my hands just want to do what they want to do. It doesn't help that I'm often anxious.
I lay on my friend's hammock (I went to visit my photographer friend) then just got up, walked around, (though making sure I didn't interrupt the session) but I felt better scrambling all over the place.
At work, I feel more relaxed when I'm just mindlessly wrapping up stuff. It's moving my hands. I cut the paper, stick it with tape, it's not done very well but I feel calmer without the phones ringing all the time and driving me insane.
Sometimes I just get up and go for no reason but that's only if sitting down is driving me crazier than walking cause most of the time, summoning the energy to heave my body out of the chair is just too much and I retreat inside.
I helped my friend's assistant set up the light for her shots. I was the model. I don't like taking pictures cause I'm reminded of how much I don't like my face. But the pictures weren't bad except for the swollen and bloated look I have. I started thinking omigod, how can my boyfriend stand being around me?
I've been working out at the gym and though I've been slowly losing weight, I've been gaining muscle especially in my arms, and looking at the photo with my huge arms (to me), I was so sickened. It's all the carbs I eat. I'm addicted. I can't eat just a serving of rice, I must scoff down at least 4 and potatoes and roots drive me nuts, I will eat till I feel very uncomfortable like I'm going to explode. It's not just a question of reducing servings, it's like I get overtaken and rational thought stops, and I scoff it down. I will also have to be careful of the machines. I'm freaked at not having droopy breasts so do lots of chest which also involves the arms getting a workout.
So I just ate strawberry milk last night! The carb cravings get worse at night so that was a success for me. I used to get up at night and hunt for carbs in the kitchen. Add cheese and I was in heaven. I've never been fat but if it wasn't for the carb issue, I would be so much leaner and not look like I'm perpetually bloated. And I wasn't supposed to eat carbs today and ate some rice but much less than I normally do, and I had to throw it all up. I want to be smaller. Sigh.
How do I stop THE CARB ADDICTION?
I certainly enjoyed my childhood though there was the occasional yell about what I should and shouldn't be doing as a girl, but because my grades were good, I had no problems. Grades and doing well are very important in my family and trump everything. If you are wicked yet get good grades, well they would say at least he or she gets good grades. Doesn't matter about your character, as long as you have good grades and do well cause people will forgive you everything. Yes, that's my family. So imagine what happened when my grades went down, the criticisms grew.
Anyway, these days I'm either practically catatonic or hyperactive. Rarely hyperactive,mostly catatonic. I think the low grade depression worsens the catatonia. (Okay, I'm not really catatonic obviously but I don't know what other word to use, just the opposite of hyperactive).
Yesterday though, my hyperactivity was more obvious. I picked up things constantly. I had to move my fingers. Intense fiddling and occasional roaming around. I just couldn't stop my hands! I had to sit on them a couple of times. I ripped papers to pieces. People always ask me why I'm so nervous. Yes, nervous people do fiddle a lot but a lot of my fiddling is just due to ADD, not because I'm nervous. Sometimes I'm quite cheerful but my hands just want to do what they want to do. It doesn't help that I'm often anxious.
I lay on my friend's hammock (I went to visit my photographer friend) then just got up, walked around, (though making sure I didn't interrupt the session) but I felt better scrambling all over the place.
At work, I feel more relaxed when I'm just mindlessly wrapping up stuff. It's moving my hands. I cut the paper, stick it with tape, it's not done very well but I feel calmer without the phones ringing all the time and driving me insane.
Sometimes I just get up and go for no reason but that's only if sitting down is driving me crazier than walking cause most of the time, summoning the energy to heave my body out of the chair is just too much and I retreat inside.
I helped my friend's assistant set up the light for her shots. I was the model. I don't like taking pictures cause I'm reminded of how much I don't like my face. But the pictures weren't bad except for the swollen and bloated look I have. I started thinking omigod, how can my boyfriend stand being around me?
I've been working out at the gym and though I've been slowly losing weight, I've been gaining muscle especially in my arms, and looking at the photo with my huge arms (to me), I was so sickened. It's all the carbs I eat. I'm addicted. I can't eat just a serving of rice, I must scoff down at least 4 and potatoes and roots drive me nuts, I will eat till I feel very uncomfortable like I'm going to explode. It's not just a question of reducing servings, it's like I get overtaken and rational thought stops, and I scoff it down. I will also have to be careful of the machines. I'm freaked at not having droopy breasts so do lots of chest which also involves the arms getting a workout.
So I just ate strawberry milk last night! The carb cravings get worse at night so that was a success for me. I used to get up at night and hunt for carbs in the kitchen. Add cheese and I was in heaven. I've never been fat but if it wasn't for the carb issue, I would be so much leaner and not look like I'm perpetually bloated. And I wasn't supposed to eat carbs today and ate some rice but much less than I normally do, and I had to throw it all up. I want to be smaller. Sigh.
How do I stop THE CARB ADDICTION?
Friday, May 2, 2008
Jasmine tea and ADHD - my experience
I don't know why but jasmine tea often makes me concentrate a bit better. I drank two cups today and managed to fold all my clothes piled up on my chair, organize papers strewn across the floor, not all of them but I didn't do my usual bit of dumping everything to be organized, get overwhelmed and walk away. I did it sensibly! I just filed my bank bills, and cellphone bills, and those are done! I still didn't do everything I had to, but instead of the 20% I will normally do, it was more like 60%.
I started noticing the effect a couple of weeks ago, and I was curious, and yes I do notice I'm more concentrated and not as scattered. It's not miraculous but it helps! I'm doing some investigation on the internet to see if I can find something on this.
I will do further experiments to see if it's all kinds of jasmine tea or whether it's the particular brand I'm drinking and whether the effect will wear off as my body gets used to it. I don't notice the same effect from drinking red tea (Pu-erh) for example or black tea. Though black tea I generally drink with milk so if there was an effect, the milk might dilute that.
The natural culprit for this effect would be the caffeine, but caffeine normally doesn't do much for me, I'm not sensitive to it, if I drink a LOT, I will notice my heart rate is up and I'm jittery but it doesn't help my concentration so I don't bother drinking coffee, coke etc and I don't like these drinks. Not fond of Red Bull, don't like chocolate, etc. The only product with caffeine I will drink is tea.
Another effect I've noticed is that it dulls my appetite. I don't know if this is because it's affecting my appetite directly or whether it has some effect on my anxiety cause I'm an anxious eater, if I get bored, slightly stressed, etc, I will eat. What I will say is not so much I forget about food but that it doesn't seem so urgent to put something in my mouth NOW!
I do know that many people with ADHD self-medicate with food
I started noticing the effect a couple of weeks ago, and I was curious, and yes I do notice I'm more concentrated and not as scattered. It's not miraculous but it helps! I'm doing some investigation on the internet to see if I can find something on this.
I will do further experiments to see if it's all kinds of jasmine tea or whether it's the particular brand I'm drinking and whether the effect will wear off as my body gets used to it. I don't notice the same effect from drinking red tea (Pu-erh) for example or black tea. Though black tea I generally drink with milk so if there was an effect, the milk might dilute that.
The natural culprit for this effect would be the caffeine, but caffeine normally doesn't do much for me, I'm not sensitive to it, if I drink a LOT, I will notice my heart rate is up and I'm jittery but it doesn't help my concentration so I don't bother drinking coffee, coke etc and I don't like these drinks. Not fond of Red Bull, don't like chocolate, etc. The only product with caffeine I will drink is tea.
Another effect I've noticed is that it dulls my appetite. I don't know if this is because it's affecting my appetite directly or whether it has some effect on my anxiety cause I'm an anxious eater, if I get bored, slightly stressed, etc, I will eat. What I will say is not so much I forget about food but that it doesn't seem so urgent to put something in my mouth NOW!
I do know that many people with ADHD self-medicate with food
Self medicating with food
Eating puts them into a pleasant, trance-like state that is a respite from their often active and chaotic ADD brain.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Crickets, brain infections and suicide
There's a reason why I'm the procrastination meister. A month between posts? I thought about posting, had long posts in my head and never got them down. Aaaargh.
Anyway, I'm feeling mildy suicidal. Might seem a weird way to put it. Most of the time I have a constant background whispers of "Do it. Do it". It being the suicide. It's constantly there. A lot of the time it's just whispers. Sometimes I don't pay attention to them, other times, they are very loud whispers, and the very very bad times, they are screams in my head drowning out everything else.
Perhaps you could describe it as a constant white noise, and I have to put up the volume of everything else to drown them out. So hence mildly suicidal. I only had to turn up the volume a little. The whispers aren't very loud but they are there.
"Do it. You know no one really cares. Why bother hanging around? Do it".
I wish they would go away for good. What medication does for me is to hush them up but it hushes everything else up making me zombie like. Effexor was good when the whispers turned into screams, but it shut down everything else. UGH TRIPLE UGH! I really don't want to go back but I was so frikking thin, in some brief moments of insanity, I toy with taking them again.
I'm getting fat and puffy. Mostly puffy looking, especially my face. I don't know why. It's really stressing me out, making me eat more. HA! So I'm going through a cycle of not eating and then binging, starving and binging. Bad I know but I can't stop the binging. So I go through not eating to help control them. I don't know why I'm so hungry. Yes, you'll probably say the starving. But the hunger came before my not eating, which is what triggered my not eating to try to control it. So pah!
I did come to the realization the other day that I kinda like being a bit fat. Everyone really ignores you and you become invisible which is good. People in stores are surly towards me, no one wants to help me which is not good. They just want me to stop being a bother. They look away when they see me, which doesn't help my sense of alienation. Is it so hard for people to be kind? I hate humans most of the time. All your petty backstabbing bitches. You, yes you, you probably think you are a nice person. Are you really? Argh, I hate work. I hate working with women. Why are they so fucking horrible?
On the plus side, I don't get the Spanish men offering to show me their penises for a sum of money. Fucking bastards. Even the old men who like rounder women don't say anything to me. I know I don't make an attractive fat person, and I don't get harrassed thank goodness. It's part of the reason deep down, I really don't want to make an effort in dressing up so as to avoid horrid men.
On the plus side, nasty Spanish men don't harrass me.
On the minus side, you get ignored, and get treated as human icky stuff.
It's frustrating.
Oh crickets, why crickets? Well, crickets get infected by brain parasites which make them commit suicide. I wonder if there isn't something similar happening with humans. Cause suicide really makes no sense. I can't help it. I keep hearing the brain whispers, it's like you are possesed or something. It makes no sense, I know but it's there. They did discover that ulcers were due to infections and some cancers were infections. I wouldn't be surprised to hear depression and other kinds of mental diseases are infections too.
Sigh. Don't worry, I won't listen to my voices in my head :-D.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
X: Aw! My heart
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Aw! My heart
Anyone who has taken drugs for ADD knows they can be dangerous for the heart.
There’s going to be a big study on the effects on the heart in the US , which is good I say.
I was taking Ritalin but I’ve stopped taking it for about 2 months because of heart concerns. My blood pressure is through the roof, 150/90 (I’m 20something, not fat), I don’t blame Ritalin but it didn’t help. I was doing exercise before my period and got really bad palpitations which scared me. I’m pretty sure I was having bad heartburn, but I had to get myself checked out, and went straight to the cardiologist.
I was taking Effexor before and birth control, and anyone will tell you I’m one of the most jumpy people they know. A major reason I don’t watch horror movies. I’m very anxious, with social anxiety and generalized anxiety and I have a list of medications I’ve been taking, lorazepam (tranquilizers), sertraline, Besitran (Zoloft US ), Prozac, and innumerable stuff to help me sleep. In Spain, it’s so easy to get tranquilizers and I had stupid docs, every time I went there, they just threw tranquilizers at me instead of dealing with me. You’ll probably get stabbed and they will say you are stressed and give you tranquilizers. After a while, I simply didn’t take this medication.
I left public health for my private insurance after I was feeling very suicidal, and my public doc told me to take tila (limeflowers ) for my nerves! Stupid bitch! I was standing in front of windows and debating whether I should throw myself out, and eyeing passing trucks thinking what if I simply didn’t move as the truck came down. And take fucking tila. I’m still so mad, I’m wondering if I should make an official complaint. So I went to a private psychiatrist who prescribed Effexor.
Effexor is a bitch. It raises your blood pressure for one, and I’d been asking whether I should get checked out. Oh, I was young, no need to worry said the doctor. And being ADD, I didn’t follow up. And now look at me.
Here it does say it’s transient, not in my case. It’s lingered for me. My blood pressure wasn’t this bad B/E (before effexor) and I’ve been really stressed. B/E it wasn’t the first time I was suicidal.
Prozac stopped my out of control eating, I was hungry all the time, but it didn’t do anything for my mood and neither did Zoloft. I did notice I was a bit more zombielike and apathetic on Prozac.
Effexor did balance my moods, cause I wasn’t just suicidally depressed, I was raging, and extremely irritable and I lost weight on one particular generic kind. Now that I’m still wondering about, they were both the same, 75mg, but one made me lose my appetite. I wasn’t interested in food and that was fantastic. The other one (Dopubal, Dobupal, I always get confused) didn’t affect my appetite. Before taking Effexor, I was throwing up on a regular basis, I was losing weight and then started on Effexor which wiped my appetite, I looked so cute!
My thighs, the bane of my life were slim and slender… yea, yea, anorexia/bulimia is not cool but I felt so in control, and that’s a feeling I’m not used to in all the years on this planet. I didn’t inhale food and finish everything placed in front of me. No impulse eating, control! I wasn’t a full bulimic as I wasn’t eating insane amounts, I just threw up when I ate something calorific which was most things.
So I’m waiting for more results from the cardiologist, hope it works out fine. I have to get a blood test and X-ray and keep forgetting to do them. Writing this out in my blog reminded me I had to call the hospital and find out when to go and I did :-)
Aw! My heart
Anyone who has taken drugs for ADD knows they can be dangerous for the heart.
There’s going to be a big study on the effects on the heart in the US , which is good I say.
I was taking Ritalin but I’ve stopped taking it for about 2 months because of heart concerns. My blood pressure is through the roof, 150/90 (I’m 20something, not fat), I don’t blame Ritalin but it didn’t help. I was doing exercise before my period and got really bad palpitations which scared me. I’m pretty sure I was having bad heartburn, but I had to get myself checked out, and went straight to the cardiologist.
I was taking Effexor before and birth control, and anyone will tell you I’m one of the most jumpy people they know. A major reason I don’t watch horror movies. I’m very anxious, with social anxiety and generalized anxiety and I have a list of medications I’ve been taking, lorazepam (tranquilizers), sertraline, Besitran (Zoloft US ), Prozac, and innumerable stuff to help me sleep. In Spain, it’s so easy to get tranquilizers and I had stupid docs, every time I went there, they just threw tranquilizers at me instead of dealing with me. You’ll probably get stabbed and they will say you are stressed and give you tranquilizers. After a while, I simply didn’t take this medication.
I left public health for my private insurance after I was feeling very suicidal, and my public doc told me to take tila (limeflowers ) for my nerves! Stupid bitch! I was standing in front of windows and debating whether I should throw myself out, and eyeing passing trucks thinking what if I simply didn’t move as the truck came down. And take fucking tila. I’m still so mad, I’m wondering if I should make an official complaint. So I went to a private psychiatrist who prescribed Effexor.
Effexor is a bitch. It raises your blood pressure for one, and I’d been asking whether I should get checked out. Oh, I was young, no need to worry said the doctor. And being ADD, I didn’t follow up. And now look at me.
Here it does say it’s transient, not in my case. It’s lingered for me. My blood pressure wasn’t this bad B/E (before effexor) and I’ve been really stressed. B/E it wasn’t the first time I was suicidal.
Prozac stopped my out of control eating, I was hungry all the time, but it didn’t do anything for my mood and neither did Zoloft. I did notice I was a bit more zombielike and apathetic on Prozac.
Effexor did balance my moods, cause I wasn’t just suicidally depressed, I was raging, and extremely irritable and I lost weight on one particular generic kind. Now that I’m still wondering about, they were both the same, 75mg, but one made me lose my appetite. I wasn’t interested in food and that was fantastic. The other one (Dopubal, Dobupal, I always get confused) didn’t affect my appetite. Before taking Effexor, I was throwing up on a regular basis, I was losing weight and then started on Effexor which wiped my appetite, I looked so cute!
My thighs, the bane of my life were slim and slender… yea, yea, anorexia/bulimia is not cool but I felt so in control, and that’s a feeling I’m not used to in all the years on this planet. I didn’t inhale food and finish everything placed in front of me. No impulse eating, control! I wasn’t a full bulimic as I wasn’t eating insane amounts, I just threw up when I ate something calorific which was most things.
So I’m waiting for more results from the cardiologist, hope it works out fine. I have to get a blood test and X-ray and keep forgetting to do them. Writing this out in my blog reminded me I had to call the hospital and find out when to go and I did :-)
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