My hyperactivity

I've always felt I wasn't hyperactive, though looking back, I was. As a child I ran around all the time, especially as I had male cousins closest to my age. But because boys are supposed to be hyperactive, and I was with boys a lot of the time, it was natural I would be a bit active. So that was good. Although, why it's so bad for a girl to be climbing trees and things, I don't see.

I certainly enjoyed my childhood though there was the occasional yell about what I should and shouldn't be doing as a girl, but because my grades were good, I had no problems. Grades and doing well are very important in my family and trump everything. If you are wicked yet get good grades, well they would say at least he or she gets good grades. Doesn't matter about your character, as long as you have good grades and do well cause people will forgive you everything. Yes, that's my family. So imagine what happened when my grades went down, the criticisms grew.

Anyway, these days I'm either practically catatonic or hyperactive. Rarely hyperactive,mostly catatonic. I think the low grade depression worsens the catatonia. (Okay, I'm not really catatonic obviously but I don't know what other word to use, just the opposite of hyperactive).

Yesterday though, my hyperactivity was more obvious. I picked up things constantly. I had to move my fingers. Intense fiddling and occasional roaming around. I just couldn't stop my hands! I had to sit on them a couple of times. I ripped papers to pieces. People always ask me why I'm so nervous. Yes, nervous people do fiddle a lot but a lot of my fiddling is just due to ADD, not because I'm nervous. Sometimes I'm quite cheerful but my hands just want to do what they want to do. It doesn't help that I'm often anxious.

I lay on my friend's hammock (I went to visit my photographer friend) then just got up, walked around, (though making sure I didn't interrupt the session) but I felt better scrambling all over the place.

At work, I feel more relaxed when I'm just mindlessly wrapping up stuff. It's moving my hands. I cut the paper, stick it with tape, it's not done very well but I feel calmer without the phones ringing all the time and driving me insane.

Sometimes I just get up and go for no reason but that's only if sitting down is driving me crazier than walking cause most of the time, summoning the energy to heave my body out of the chair is just too much and I retreat inside.

I helped my friend's assistant set up the light for her shots. I was the model. I don't like taking pictures cause I'm reminded of how much I don't like my face. But the pictures weren't bad except for the swollen and bloated look I have. I started thinking omigod, how can my boyfriend stand being around me?

I've been working out at the gym and though I've been slowly losing weight, I've been gaining muscle especially in my arms, and looking at the photo with my huge arms (to me), I was so sickened. It's all the carbs I eat. I'm addicted. I can't eat just a serving of rice, I must scoff down at least 4 and potatoes and roots drive me nuts, I will eat till I feel very uncomfortable like I'm going to explode. It's not just a question of reducing servings, it's like I get overtaken and rational thought stops, and I scoff it down. I will also have to be careful of the machines. I'm freaked at not having droopy breasts so do lots of chest which also involves the arms getting a workout.

So I just ate strawberry milk last night! The carb cravings get worse at night so that was a success for me. I used to get up at night and hunt for carbs in the kitchen. Add cheese and I was in heaven. I've never been fat but if it wasn't for the carb issue, I would be so much leaner and not look like I'm perpetually bloated. And I wasn't supposed to eat carbs today and ate some rice but much less than I normally do, and I had to throw it all up. I want to be smaller. Sigh.
How do I stop THE CARB ADDICTION?