There's a reason why I'm the procrastination meister. A month between posts? I thought about posting, had long posts in my head and never got them down. Aaaargh.
Anyway, I'm feeling mildy suicidal. Might seem a weird way to put it. Most of the time I have a constant background whispers of "Do it. Do it". It being the suicide. It's constantly there. A lot of the time it's just whispers. Sometimes I don't pay attention to them, other times, they are very loud whispers, and the very very bad times, they are screams in my head drowning out everything else.
Perhaps you could describe it as a constant white noise, and I have to put up the volume of everything else to drown them out. So hence mildly suicidal. I only had to turn up the volume a little. The whispers aren't very loud but they are there.
"Do it. You know no one really cares. Why bother hanging around? Do it".
I wish they would go away for good. What medication does for me is to hush them up but it hushes everything else up making me zombie like. Effexor was good when the whispers turned into screams, but it shut down everything else. UGH TRIPLE UGH! I really don't want to go back but I was so frikking thin, in some brief moments of insanity, I toy with taking them again.
I'm getting fat and puffy. Mostly puffy looking, especially my face. I don't know why. It's really stressing me out, making me eat more. HA! So I'm going through a cycle of not eating and then binging, starving and binging. Bad I know but I can't stop the binging. So I go through not eating to help control them. I don't know why I'm so hungry. Yes, you'll probably say the starving. But the hunger came before my not eating, which is what triggered my not eating to try to control it. So pah!
I did come to the realization the other day that I kinda like being a bit fat. Everyone really ignores you and you become invisible which is good. People in stores are surly towards me, no one wants to help me which is not good. They just want me to stop being a bother. They look away when they see me, which doesn't help my sense of alienation. Is it so hard for people to be kind? I hate humans most of the time. All your petty backstabbing bitches. You, yes you, you probably think you are a nice person. Are you really? Argh, I hate work. I hate working with women. Why are they so fucking horrible?
On the plus side, I don't get the Spanish men offering to show me their penises for a sum of money. Fucking bastards. Even the old men who like rounder women don't say anything to me. I know I don't make an attractive fat person, and I don't get harrassed thank goodness. It's part of the reason deep down, I really don't want to make an effort in dressing up so as to avoid horrid men.
On the plus side, nasty Spanish men don't harrass me.
On the minus side, you get ignored, and get treated as human icky stuff.
It's frustrating.
Oh crickets, why crickets? Well, crickets get infected by brain parasites which make them commit suicide. I wonder if there isn't something similar happening with humans. Cause suicide really makes no sense. I can't help it. I keep hearing the brain whispers, it's like you are possesed or something. It makes no sense, I know but it's there. They did discover that ulcers were due to infections and some cancers were infections. I wouldn't be surprised to hear depression and other kinds of mental diseases are infections too.
Sigh. Don't worry, I won't listen to my voices in my head :-D.
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