Blurting and Misunderstanding

Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Blurting and misunderstanding

Contrary to most ADDers, I'm not much of a blurter. That's because I've clamped my mouth shut around people. Auto-censorship, my therapist says. I did use to blurt things out a lot when I was younger and now just don't say anything except to people I know well and my sister who is used to the constant stream of mindfarts emanating from my lips.

The blurting stops but so does everything else, I don't make jokes, or witty comments out loud, (inside I'm a hoot) cause I just clamp everything in. I even find it hard to express anger cause one, I've a high-pitched voice (and it's not fun to be told aww, you are so cute when you trying to get angry grr ), and two, well I clamp everything inside.

It's not 100% effective, in spite of myself ,something 'weird' comes out and falls into the conversation like a stone on a baby's foot, a moment of dead silence and then non-acknowledgement of what I said as everyone talks about something else and me thinking, I wonder why I bother crawling out of my hole, then I hiss at everyone, yell "You're all retarded anyway" and scuttle back into my corner.

I was able to control it better before my crash and burn/depression, now I'm just really 'weird' and I can't help it. I sometimes did mock people and say they're so weird, now I'm the weird one. Though in my defense, how can you go around wearing sunglasses all the time with your eyebrows shaved and claim it's so people can't steal your soul and not be considered missing about 50 screws, a joint and a few planks of wood?

Blergh. Hiss, scuttle.