iI've been feeling so low about myself. I'm studying an Architecture degree, and working part time too. Work and Architecture don´t really mix especially for someone who´s time management disordered as myself.
I have dyspraxia/dysgraphia and ADHD and my planning and time management are really bad. I think they feed off each other.
The dyspraxia also means that I´ve problems with drawing and I'm studying an architecture course involving lots of drawing. And cutting. And making models. ha ha. Ha. I didn´t enter the course under false pretences, they said they would teach me to draw. Which mostly consists of exercises geared towards people who can draw already but want to improve and saying practice but they don´t really help me. I´m repeating the Studio course and have already failed my first project.
I can barely find any information on the net about adults and dyspraxia. I CANNOT find anything about dyspraxia and learning to draw. So I´m sort of teaching myself. There´s help for people with dyslexia or even dyscalculia but what about dyspraxia?
I feel so out of control and I´m getting really stressed.
My depression had eased though I did have a suicide attempt in the summer. I blame the stress and the medication I was on. My Body dysmorphia had eased and I could stare at myself and think I was actually kind of cute.
Now I don´t know. I´ve started avoiding mirrors again and telling myself I´m a disgusting monster.
The one time I felt really under control was when I restricted my food, exercised like mad, started lying to people that I had already eaten and my weight fell to almost 50 kgs. I´m normally 58-60 and I rarely fluctuate. I felt really good back then. I barely ate and and for once I felt totally in control. I had a very rigid schedule.
The worse I feel, then I punish myself by not eating. I have the bare minimum in my fridge not to arouse suspicion with my housemates. I´m starting to feel antsy about running to the bathroom to purge.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
A whole year has flashed by
A whole year without posting!!! I kept thinking about posting but couldn't and avoided it. Why do I do that?
I was so incredibly stressed with my architecture course it was unbelievable.
My immune system was down and after years of not having cold sores. I got 2, one after the other. It was horrible and I ran out of iron, I became quite anemic, not too severe though but bad enough that I would get a stitch in my side simply from walking a few metres and I was constantly gasping for breath. It got so bad that I left a pole near the top of my stairs at home so I could support myself simply walking up the stairs!
And I posted about reboxetine previously. Well, I had to come off it. I'm never disciplined about taking meds, and I don't like taking medicine anyway (dyspraxia affects swallowing reflexes).
I would stop and start with the reboxetine. I try to take it at the same time every day but then I would be rushing out off my house, forget the meds then I'll be out the whole day, sometimes I won't come back and that's 2 days with no meds. Sometimes I couldn't remember whether I had taken it or not. Then I fall out of the habit and I would be reluctant to take it, you wouldn't think dry mouth is such a bad side effect but it's really irritating cause it's not just dry mouth, it's unpleasant feeling and taste in mouth with a side dose of bad breath.
Oh, and the insomnia. I once went without sleep for 48 hours because I just couldn't sleep. I felt awake like my sleep reflex had gone. I've had to stay awake for working on a model in class but I felt tired and so badly wanted to sleep so going without sleep is not unusual but that was by choice.
The time I'm talking about specifically, I didn't have anything due, I was just trying to sleep normally on a Friday and I didn't manage any sleep till Sunday night for about 5 hours. I didn't go out or do anything but sleep avoided me the whole 2 days, it was like reboxetine had put the brakes on in my brain and wouldn't let me sleep.
When I take it, I'm fine, when I start taking it after a few days of not taking, it's like I'm taking it for the first time and it makes me feel momentarily worse for a couple of days. Emotionally bad. If I'm already feeling bad, it will make me worse then it goes away and I'm better but I was up and down all the time till finally I broke and had to go to the emergency room. And I blame it on the reboxetine. So my GP has told me I shouldn't take it. I'm on nothing for my ADHD at the moment and there's no way I can go into second year with nothing.
I'm kinda sad because it DID help with seeing things in perspective when I was taking it so I didn't get into a negative spiral and I was more cheerful when I keep things in perspective and don't feel so overwhelmed all the time.
This course has been dreadful for me. Dreadful. There's no way I can do an architecture course with full blown ADHD and dyspraxia.
I have had 2 resits and resending of coursework and I still haven't done anything for my coursework. One week left!
The dyspraxia, a post for another time.
I was so incredibly stressed with my architecture course it was unbelievable.
My immune system was down and after years of not having cold sores. I got 2, one after the other. It was horrible and I ran out of iron, I became quite anemic, not too severe though but bad enough that I would get a stitch in my side simply from walking a few metres and I was constantly gasping for breath. It got so bad that I left a pole near the top of my stairs at home so I could support myself simply walking up the stairs!
And I posted about reboxetine previously. Well, I had to come off it. I'm never disciplined about taking meds, and I don't like taking medicine anyway (dyspraxia affects swallowing reflexes).
I would stop and start with the reboxetine. I try to take it at the same time every day but then I would be rushing out off my house, forget the meds then I'll be out the whole day, sometimes I won't come back and that's 2 days with no meds. Sometimes I couldn't remember whether I had taken it or not. Then I fall out of the habit and I would be reluctant to take it, you wouldn't think dry mouth is such a bad side effect but it's really irritating cause it's not just dry mouth, it's unpleasant feeling and taste in mouth with a side dose of bad breath.
Oh, and the insomnia. I once went without sleep for 48 hours because I just couldn't sleep. I felt awake like my sleep reflex had gone. I've had to stay awake for working on a model in class but I felt tired and so badly wanted to sleep so going without sleep is not unusual but that was by choice.
The time I'm talking about specifically, I didn't have anything due, I was just trying to sleep normally on a Friday and I didn't manage any sleep till Sunday night for about 5 hours. I didn't go out or do anything but sleep avoided me the whole 2 days, it was like reboxetine had put the brakes on in my brain and wouldn't let me sleep.
When I take it, I'm fine, when I start taking it after a few days of not taking, it's like I'm taking it for the first time and it makes me feel momentarily worse for a couple of days. Emotionally bad. If I'm already feeling bad, it will make me worse then it goes away and I'm better but I was up and down all the time till finally I broke and had to go to the emergency room. And I blame it on the reboxetine. So my GP has told me I shouldn't take it. I'm on nothing for my ADHD at the moment and there's no way I can go into second year with nothing.
I'm kinda sad because it DID help with seeing things in perspective when I was taking it so I didn't get into a negative spiral and I was more cheerful when I keep things in perspective and don't feel so overwhelmed all the time.
This course has been dreadful for me. Dreadful. There's no way I can do an architecture course with full blown ADHD and dyspraxia.
I have had 2 resits and resending of coursework and I still haven't done anything for my coursework. One week left!
The dyspraxia, a post for another time.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Here I am in Bristol settled
I really should post more.
this is where I should have posted about my trials and tribulations in Bristol but I couldn't post. I was too stressed to post so I haven't written anything at all! I guess I'm not a writer who writes about melancholy and works better under pressure.
This is from a post I posted elsewhere.
The anti-depressant reboxetine has also helped. It stops me obsessing. I still get sad, but now I don't get into obesessive loops. Before, something will set me off, and then it will get played in my mind on and on and on and on and on, and I will get more depressed but it stops. I obsess a little then move on. I still have my tendency towards melancholy but it doesn't get bad. I feel like myself but not the diseased self. The side effects are bad taste in mouth and dry mouth. I'm having a bit of bad breath, it's not terrible. I had a headache and slight wooziness and a bit of insomnia when starting out but that's gone. NO zombie zone out like Effexor. I do more stuff and procrastinate less. It also affects my mood and my eating. I'm an anxious eater but with the reboxetine, I'm not thinking constantly about food and when I feel full, I stop.
I was worried about my decision to move because I've a feeling it's a bit of an impulsive decision. My ADHD you see. But I've meant to move from Spain for the past 2 years at least. And yes, there might have been a bit of impulsiveness in the decision, as I applied on the day of the deadlline for handing applications, January 15th. I was accepted into the architecture program at the end of April, handed in my resignation in May, I was persuaded to stay a bit longer at work, and in July I found myself in a new country. Maybe a bit of impulsiveness isn't so bad. Because I've had so many problems from being impulsive in the past, any decision I make that's not meditated and chewed on for months upon months I look at warily but maybe it's not SO BAD.
this is where I should have posted about my trials and tribulations in Bristol but I couldn't post. I was too stressed to post so I haven't written anything at all! I guess I'm not a writer who writes about melancholy and works better under pressure.
This is from a post I posted elsewhere.
The anti-depressant reboxetine has also helped. It stops me obsessing. I still get sad, but now I don't get into obesessive loops. Before, something will set me off, and then it will get played in my mind on and on and on and on and on, and I will get more depressed but it stops. I obsess a little then move on. I still have my tendency towards melancholy but it doesn't get bad. I feel like myself but not the diseased self. The side effects are bad taste in mouth and dry mouth. I'm having a bit of bad breath, it's not terrible. I had a headache and slight wooziness and a bit of insomnia when starting out but that's gone. NO zombie zone out like Effexor. I do more stuff and procrastinate less. It also affects my mood and my eating. I'm an anxious eater but with the reboxetine, I'm not thinking constantly about food and when I feel full, I stop.
I was worried about my decision to move because I've a feeling it's a bit of an impulsive decision. My ADHD you see. But I've meant to move from Spain for the past 2 years at least. And yes, there might have been a bit of impulsiveness in the decision, as I applied on the day of the deadlline for handing applications, January 15th. I was accepted into the architecture program at the end of April, handed in my resignation in May, I was persuaded to stay a bit longer at work, and in July I found myself in a new country. Maybe a bit of impulsiveness isn't so bad. Because I've had so many problems from being impulsive in the past, any decision I make that's not meditated and chewed on for months upon months I look at warily but maybe it's not SO BAD.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Palma de Mallorca, Pontiac Fever Bristol bound
So I went to Palma de Mallorca for a few days to visit my boyfriend. I had a great time but then on the way back, my plane was delayed by 2 hours, and when we landed in Madrid, it took ages for our bags to come out. So instead of leaving the airport about 10:30 pm, we left at 1am! And of course by then all the regular buses were finished so had to take the long way to the metro, then catch a bus to my city and arrived home at 3am. I was pissed.
Damn AirEuropa.
I had been feeling a bit sniffly in Palma. At first I thought it might be something I was allergic to, (we went to an Indian restaurant with rose petals everywhere and I was sneezing) but then my throat started hurting then I thought it was some kind of cold. On the doomed Wednesday when my plane came
in so late, I felt a bit ill later on in the day, and then was feeling quite sick. I thought sleep would cure me as I hadn't been getting much. No dice. I started feeling quite bad, and Thursday I went to the doc who said it was just a chill which sometimes happened with air conditioners. Some chill! I was feeling nauseated, my muscles really hurt, my head was killing me, I had a slight fever, and my neck and back hurt so much I had to walk hunched over. I couldn't walk at my normal fast pace cause my breathing was really shallow, and I shuffled instead of walking and had to rest every few meters and I was worried I would get pneumonia. I felt like I had aged at least 30 years. I felt so tired and I lost my appetite entirely. I'm still on the reboxetine which is giving me a pretty bad taste in my mouth.
Someone mentioned Pontiac Fever which is the milder form of Legionella with all the symptoms I had. Cause this was too much for being the flu and certainly not a chill as the doctor claimed!
Damn AirEuropa.
I had been feeling a bit sniffly in Palma. At first I thought it might be something I was allergic to, (we went to an Indian restaurant with rose petals everywhere and I was sneezing) but then my throat started hurting then I thought it was some kind of cold. On the doomed Wednesday when my plane came
in so late, I felt a bit ill later on in the day, and then was feeling quite sick. I thought sleep would cure me as I hadn't been getting much. No dice. I started feeling quite bad, and Thursday I went to the doc who said it was just a chill which sometimes happened with air conditioners. Some chill! I was feeling nauseated, my muscles really hurt, my head was killing me, I had a slight fever, and my neck and back hurt so much I had to walk hunched over. I couldn't walk at my normal fast pace cause my breathing was really shallow, and I shuffled instead of walking and had to rest every few meters and I was worried I would get pneumonia. I felt like I had aged at least 30 years. I felt so tired and I lost my appetite entirely. I'm still on the reboxetine which is giving me a pretty bad taste in my mouth.
Someone mentioned Pontiac Fever which is the milder form of Legionella with all the symptoms I had. Cause this was too much for being the flu and certainly not a chill as the doctor claimed!
Symptoms
Patients with Legionnaires' disease usually have fever, chills, and a cough, which may be dry or may produce sputum. Some patients also have muscle aches, headache, tiredness, loss of appetite, loss of coordination (ataxia), and occasionally diarrhea and vomiting. Laboratory tests may show that patients’ renal functions, liver functions and electrolytes are deranged, including hyponatremia. Chest X-rays often show pneumonia with bi-basal consolidation. It is difficult to distinguish Legionnaires' disease from other types of pneumonia by symptoms or radiologic findings alone; other tests are required for diagnosis.
Persons with Pontiac fever experience fever and muscle aches without pneumonia. They generally recover in 2 to 5 days without treatment.
The time between the patient's exposure to the bacterium and the onset of illness for Legionnaires' disease is 2 to 10 days; for Pontiac fever, it is shorter, generally a few hours to 2 days.
I'm still feeling quite tired and I have to finish packing to go to Bristol in a couple of days!
On a brighter note, I've been talking to my boyfriend much more these days as since he's now based in Palma de Mallorca, he has a Spanish mobile so I call him much more. It's so cool, we are living in the same country though km away but still. Pity I'm leaving for the UK.
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