X: Looking like a fool

Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Looking like a fool


I’m getting worried for myself really. I’m so out of it. I can’t even write my blog. Today since I have adrenalin running through my system, that’s giving me a kick in the pants.


Last week I had to go to a hotel to pick up some books from a conference for work, and I had to get a taxi. I walked out, then decided that I shouldn’t get a taxi from where I was, cause where would it stop? There were cars driving around and it might have to brake suddenly, causing pileups making me look like the fool who didn’t know how to get a taxi and everyone would be looking at me. It probably doesn’t make sense but that’s what went through my head.


So I walked further down, a couple of streets to find a good place where I wouldn’t have to disrupt anyone and draw attention to myself. And how do you do the arm? Flap it around, stick it up? I’m always told I do things too passively and am criticized (“Why aren’t you assertive, you are too passive, can’t you ask for something properly”,) so I worry I’m not waving my hand assertively enough am either too aggressive or too passive and people are contemptuous.


Deep down it’s silly I know but I worry, cause I never know how to do these things properly, I don’t want to look like a fool. In my life, there’ve been too many times I look like a fool cause I never know what to do in the simplest situations like flagging a taxi.


And this morning I had to go to get blood taken and an X-Ray, which I’ve been putting off. I just realized this week how much I’ve been putting it off, a month! I kept on saying tomorrow, then tomorrow comes and it’s not good cause I have to do something else and at work they will get angry if I ask for time off.


I forgot and ate 3 cookies on the bus. Just slipped my mind so I got only the X-ray couldn’t get the blood test as you’re not supposed to eat. Fool! I went the wrong direction on the metro. Then had to go back again. I couldn’t really understand the x-ray guy who was speaking, he was slurring his words and I’ve just been realizing lately(last 2 years or so) that I don’t hear speech very well so I don’t catch what people say. My hearing is fine, got it tested but I often don’t understand people, then I get nervous, and I forget what I’m saying and rubbish comes out of my mouth and uhms and ehms. Anyway he thought I couldn’t speak Spanish so I started blabbing that I couldn’t hear properly and I was especially confused this morning anyway.


Then I promptly forgot what he said, and sat around after the test thinking am I supposed to wait? I decided to wait because he hadn’t said anything like pick it up in a couple of days, and it happened to be the right decision, it often isn’t. I left then forgot to pick up the doctor’s note, got all the way to the metro stop for work before I realized I should have gotten a justificante (a doctor’s note) for work , then had to turn around and go back again for 3 stops wasting more time.


It’s nothing really but all the time something like this happens. I don’t know what’s going on (what did he or she say?, where am I supposed to go, um excuse me, I get ignored), and when I try to get people’s attention, they ignore me. I know deep down it’s because I don’t radiate outer confidence and people ignore you. It’s why I don’t like to ask, I can’t get people’s attention. I hope it’s because I’m too polite for Spain. I do often feel a bit more comfortable in the UK. I just feel pathetic all the time.
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